Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CD1 of NTC1

I cannot believe how long that last cycle was. I hope this isn't a permanent change.

This cycle is NTC1 (not trying cycle). This is a 'not trying' cycle since my husband will be absent. He leaves on Sunday and will not be home until mid April.

I look forward to being able to start trying again, but this absence will give me a chance to focus on other things.

I am really sad, however, that we weren't able to make a baby this last cycle.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

CD40 of C4 (part 2)

I am having some major cramps right now. Perhaps this is the start of AF? Btw, just ignore the cycle ticker at the top. I can't really change it until AF finally gets here. Maybe AF will be here by tomorrow.

CD40 of C4

Still in limbo. I wish I knew either way what was going on inside my body. It's so frustrating.

My hormones are all over the place and have been for about a week now. I hate this instability with my feelings and emotions.

I can't believe I'm on day 40 of what seems like the world's longest cycle. I don't feel like AF is coming.

Now, back to waiting and wondering..

Saturday, December 25, 2010

CD39 of C4

Still waiting for AF to arrive. I know there's a chance that the tests were just too early to pick up HCG, but I'm not so optimistic. I guess we'll wait and see. I haven't had a cycle this long since we were trying for our son. So it's been well over 3 years. Maybe my body is just changing.

I have to go to the doctor for a re-check of the pneumonia in about 2 1/2 weeks, so if I haven't started by then I will talk to him about it.

Hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

CD37 of C4

So, I wound up in the ER last night. I was having some severe left sided abdominal pain. My intial fear was that it was my PCOS acting up (and growing a huge cyst again) or a tubal pregnancy.

When I got there they started me on some pain and nausea medicine. I had been running a fever since the night before and had been having some bad back pain since the night before. They did a blood HCG test (I don't know if it was quanitative or qualitative) but it came back negative. That pretty much dashed my hopes of this being a successful cycle.

Anyways, they did the pregnancy test so I could go for a CT scan. The doctor thought perhaps I had diverticulitis. But to both of our surprises it showed that I have pneumonia in my left lung in the bottom. He said it made sense since my pain was on the left side that it was rebound pain from the inflamed and infected lung pressing down. He also said it made sense why I was running a temp and having back pain.

So, to say it's been a rough day would be an understatement. I was holding out some hope that I would get a BFP tomorrow. Now I know that isn't going to happen.

I will post periodically, but we won't officially begin ttc until my DH's return in April. Your continued thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Now, I guess my only wish is that my AF will hold off until after Christmas. It would be nice to be cramp free until after then.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Cd36 of C4

I am feeling less hopeful and optimistic today. I am having pretty strong AF like cramps right now, and I will be surprised if I don't start tonight or tomorrow.

I broke down and took a digital test today. I didn't realize until after I took it that it wasn't an early HPT. My hormones were very low with Joseph and it's likely they will be low with any future children (my mother had the same problem with HPTs, she couldn't get a BFP with me until she was well into her 2nd trimester). So, of course it was negative. I guess I wouldn't let than alone count me out, but that combined with these cramps makes me feel like this cycle is just about over.

I will have to remember to get an early HPT next time with a HCG threshold of 25 or less instead of this 50 miu I have. Oh well. We'll wait and see. I guess if AF isn't here by Friday AM I will try and test again, but I'm not expecting anything different from what I saw today.

On a side note: I have several friends who have recently given birth, and it is very difficult for me to look at their children's pictures with becoming teary eyed and disapointed. I want to be happy for them, but it's so hard to see pictures of what I want so much.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

CD35 of C4

Every time I feel a little trickle and run to the bathroom expecting AF to have started, there is nothing there. I am so happy.

I am having a few light AF like cramps, but I'm not letting this discourage me.

If I make it through Thursday afternoon without AF showing up, I will go and buy a test to use Friday morning. I can't buy a test before then because I will use it as soon as I get it home.

I really, really hope this is it, and we were able to make a baby. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.

Also, some food for thought:

Length of cycles (since we've been ttc baby #2)
C1 - 30 days
C2 - 36 days
C3 - 34 days

We are on CD 35 now, I just have this feeling if I can make it past tomorrow it will seem so much more real. It will either be a pregnancy or my longest cycle yet.

Monday, December 20, 2010

CD34 of C4

I thought I'd update since I know some of you who are checking daily for updates can't stand the suspense. I can't either. Here is CD34. If I'm right, my cycle last month was 33 days. I'd have to go back and check to be sure.

I'm having symptoms that could be either AF or early pregnancy. So, I'm trying hard not to read into all of them but it's hard. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am very hopeful and optimistic. I just hope that I'm not let down this month. This would be the most amazing Christmas gift.

I will be testing on Friday which is CD38. It's conveniently Christmas Eve as well so that means we'd be able to tell the family Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It would work out wonderfully. But, like I said I can barely stand the suspense.

I'm hoping my next update to you all will be a big pic of a BFP and some great news, but we'll have to wait and see. I'm not sure if I'll be back on here before the weekend, so if I'm not, have a Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

CD28 of C4

I woke with a queasy tummy this morning. I honestly don't think I've ever been so excited to have a upset tummy. I really hope this means something. Please, please please!!

I know this will sound silly. And I know I've said it before, but.. Part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, I could be pregnant this time. It might be because this was my last true chance until the Spring, but I am feeling very optimistic. Of course I'm going to be wrecked if AF comes. But right now I'm on cloud 9 with just the feeling of maybe it could be true.

I would like to wait until day 38 to test. We'll see if I make it.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

CD21 of C4

I am feeling very defeated right now. I've been taking these darn OPKs so that I could see a surge, get a positive, and put my mind at ease. I got very close to a positive on Sunday, and then on Monday my line was lighter and then today there is no line. Does that mean I did or didn't ovulate? I don't know what it means. I think it means I didn't ovulate though. And that makes me very, very sad.

I will not be able to get pregnant if my body is not ovulating. I just don't understand why people who can't afford, are addicted to drugs, are teenagers, or shouldn't be having children can get pregnant with no effort. Here we are a stable, loving, adjusted family able to care for another child and we can't get pregnant.

I'm sad. I'm alone. And I'm feeling defeated.

Monday, December 6, 2010

CD20 of C4

I think I'm getting closer to getting a positive on my OPKs. My lines are getting a little bit darker and more prevalent. Oh how I wish the lines on my OPKs were BFPs on HPTs! One day, soon. It'll happen!

I had to go to the thrift store this evening so I thought I would check out the maternity section. I was able to pick up a pair of dressy maternity pants that were brand new! I will wash them anyway and put them away until the day that I have a little one in my womb again and can fill them up with a big belly.

I think I am at as much peace about this situation as is possible. I want another child now. But, I know it will happen when it's supposed to. Do I sometimes wish I was one of those people that just had to count the days, have sex once, and boom, would be pregnant? Of course. But, I know that I appreciate my pregnancy a bit more than someone who doesn't have trouble conceiving. I know my body is working on an extra special egg, and just like with Joseph, when it's time for us to conceive another child, it'll happen. Until then I'll be enjoying the blessing God has already given us. I know the next pregnancy is just waiting for us beyond the horizon. We'll get there.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

CD18 of C4

So that's it. We've done everything we can for this cycle. My DH left last night for two weeks. He'll be gone for two weeks and then home for two and then gone for 4 1/2 months.

I have yet to get an even "almost" positive on the OPKs. I will still keep testing through this cycle to see if I can a detectable LH surge or not. I will just have to hope that those little swimmers will find the egg in time. If not, we will have to wait until my husband is done with training in April. I'm slightly optimistic that we have a chance. This is dangerous, because I know I will be wrecked when AF comes.

My DH is really on board with this TTC number two. It's exciting to see. Here's some examples of his excitement and his shared desire to make baby number two:

He has shown a lot of interest in the OPKs. He has been asking questions about them and likes to look at the results after I've taken the test. In fact I ran out of OPKs yesterday and he offered and was willing to go purchase more for our endeavor.

He also has been asking a lot of questions about my cycle and how things are going/where I'm at in it. I appreciate and love him caring about this too. It's nice to know he's excited about this and looking forward to our next bundle too.

And when we were talking about this baby making process and trying to expand our family he brought up the point that he wouldn't be opposed to three children. My DH has been pretty stiff on the idea of three little ones, but I've always leaned a little bit towards wanting three. He said "I wouldn't mind three, but we've got to get to two first."

It's so nice to know he's as committed to this as I am. It's so nice to know we share the hope and excitement each cycle of adding to our family. I love him so much and I am so glad he is my mate and the father of my child and someday children.

Monday, November 29, 2010

CD13 of C4

My DH leaves on Friday. I am so hoping that we had a chance this cycle. It would be the best Christmas/Birthday present ever.

I have been taking OPK to see if I can get a positive on them. I'm doing this more as a reassurance to myself that I am indeed ovulating. Today I got an extremely faint line. I'm hoping that faint line turns into a positive before Friday. With OPKs your test line has to be as dark or darker than the control line to be actually positive. Unlike with HPT, where any line in the test area means a positive test.

We may have a chance this cycle after all. It would be so amazing if we caught the egg this cycle. Everyone please pray and keep your fingers crossed for us.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

CD9 of C4

Nothing really to report. I've had extremely bad cramps and heavy flow this cycle. It's come to a stop now except for the occassional nasty cramp. These cramps were so bad I think I would have rather gone through labor. But, I think it's all stopping now.

My DH is leaving in about 8 days. I really don't think we have a high chance of making a baby in that time. I think I am going to get some dollar store ovulation tests to take just to see if I can get a positive OPK. That would give me some piece of mind. Honestly we BD enough that as long as I'm ovulating there shouldn't even be a chance of that little eggy getting missed. But, I think seeing a nice dark line on an OPK will make me feel better.

Once I get the benefits squared away I will go in to the OB/GYN and make sure I won't need some help with ovulation. I'm sure everything's fine. My body is just working extra hard on making another extra special egg (like the one that Joseph developed from).

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

CD1 of C4

The third cycle has come to an unsuccessful end. I will continue to blog throughout this last cycle on the off chance that we are able to conceive. My husband will be leaving in about two weeks and then will be home mid December. So, I guess depending on when I ovulate there may be a slim chance. I'm doubtful, but maybe it'll happen.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

CD33 of C3

I am so sad and disappointed right now. AF isn't here yet, but after my post yesterday I spent the rest of the day and night having strong AF like cramps. I cried buckets before going to bed.

This was our last chance until April, and I really wanted it to happen. So, I guess we'll be starting at square one come April. This is just so frustrating. I'll try to continue to post periodically on here, and will of course let you all know when the ttc has again restarted. T minus 5 months and counting.

Monday, November 15, 2010

CD32 of C3

So, I'm still sticking with the "No news, is good news" adage. I don't feel like I'm pregnant, but I also don't feel like I'm going to start AF. I wish, pray, and hope with all my heart that we were able to make a baby this month.

I should know sometime over the next 5-6 days if we were successful or not. I hate the waiting part. I hate not knowing. All I keep thinking of is the fact that if we weren't successful this month we won't be able to try again for over 5 months. That thought makes me extremely sad. :(

Thursday, November 11, 2010

CD28 of C3

I don't really have anything to report. I don't have cramps. I don't feel pregnant, and I don't feel like AF will be here soon. So, I guess at this point no news is good news.

AF should be here sometime over the next 8-10 days. I really, really hope we caught that little eggy. I'm trying to remain hopeful. If not, you probably won't hear much from me until after DH's return (he is in the military and will be gone until mid April for training).

I want this to have been the month. There are few things I've ever wanted more. I know it'll happen soon even if it's not right now. I just want it to be now.

Monday, November 8, 2010

CD25 of C3

Well, I'm having major ovulation/cyst cramps today. Sometimes when the cyst pain is really bad I feel nauseous. I woke up feeling nauseous on top of crampy today, so either I ovulated recently and/or I am working on one or more major cysts. I'm hopeful that I was able to produce a healthy, viable egg before my body started working on a cyst. I guess time will tell. If AF is as long as last cycle it should be here in 12-13 days.

I hate this part of it. This is a waiting game. I'm sure at this point we've done all we can do and we just have to be patient. This will be our last real shot at another baby for awhile so I'm praying really hard that this cycle is it.

I just wish this process was more certain and guaranteed. I hate this uncertainty. I know we'll get there even if it's not this cycle, but I really want it to be this cycle.

Friday, November 5, 2010

CD22 of C3

I'm still not really noticing completely obvious signs of ovulation. Had an increase in CM over the past few days, but I don't think cycle. That would just about break my heart.

My DH leaves tonight and won't be back until Sunday. I'm hoping that ovulation already happened or won't happen until Sunday.

But, that's about it. I know nothing really new to report. I'm sure I'll have more updates as this cycle comes to an end.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

CD20 of C3

I'm so weepy right now. I just want to be pregnant. I am so ready to add to our family. It just frustrates me that people who can't afford, or don't want children can get pregnant so easily. Here we are trying so hard, and it's not happening. I just hate this part. I'm ready, I want this, come on already.

That being said I've noticed an increase in CM yesterday and today. Perhaps impending ovulation? I've had some low pelvic cramps. It doesn't feel like ovary pain it feels more like AF type cramps. So, we'll just have to wait and see I guess. I have a feeling ovulation will take place this weekend when DH is gone.

I'm doing my best to not think about this. I am spending my nights before bed unwinding with my Sims game. Hopefully less stressing about this will help the entire situation.

Monday, November 1, 2010

CD18 of C3

I'm a little frustrated at my lack of ovulation symptoms. Had quite a bit of CM yesterday, but none today. I haven't been crampy or really feeling like ovulation is getting ready to happen at all.

This is our last real chance before DH leaves, and I really hope my body doesn't choose this month not to ovulate at all. That would really suck!

So far this cycle I've found out about 3 more people who are expecting. I'm really happy for these women, but I'm also a little sad. I went through this a lot while ttc our first. I'm ready to be pregnant, and I'm ready to add to our family. Honestly at this point if I were to write down everyone who is expecting I think I would have close to 20-30 names. I know we're only on C3 but I want it to be our turn!

DH leaves on Friday for military drill. He'll be back on Sunday. Hoping ovulation doesn't hold off to the weekend and then we miss the little eggy again.

Friday, October 29, 2010

CD15 of C3

Oh my goodness! All night long I dreamed of taking pregnancy tests. They all were digital and kept coming up with the beautiful, elusive word: Pregnant. Then loved ones kept coming up to me and telling me I was pregnant. It was a great dream. I don't think it's true, but it was a nice dream none the less.

Not much going on with me. I haven't noticed any increase in CM. I haven't noticed any real ovary twinges. I've been more tired lately but that's because I'm taking care of a toddler by myself while my husband is out of town.

I really hope we catch the egg this month. I am so pessimistic though. This will be our last real chance to get pregnant before DH leaves for more military training. If we don't do it this cycle we won't be able to really try again until late April. :(

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

CD13 of C3

Not too much is going on. I'm not having a good feeling about this month either. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. My DH is out of town until Saturday and I am worried I will ovulate while he is gone. :(

I read something today that said couples who take longer than 6 months ttc have a much higher chance of conceiving a boy. It was true for Joseph. I hope it doesn't even take 6 months.

But, I just wanted to update and let everyone know I'm still here. I'm trying to relax and not get to wound up with TTC this month. I know it will happen in God's time.

I've been having some throbbing in my ovaries yesterday and today. It would be nice if I ovulation either already happened or holds off until at least Saturday. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

CD9 of C3

I had some EWCM yesterday. I don't think I've noticed it so early in my cycle before. I don't know what my body is doing anymore. I'm just going to try and focus on life and try to make sure Baby Dancing takes place on a regular basis. That's all I can do. Worrying about, and stressing about it will not help.

My DH will be gone next week from Tuesday to Saturday. And then the first weekend in November he'll be gone from Friday through Sunday. That might affect things, but I'm hoping it doesn't. My husband will be leaving for more Army training on December 5th, so we really have to give this Baby Making all we've got otherwise it will be getting put off until almost May.

On another note, I went and stood in front of an abortion clinic with my mother-in-law yesterday. I held a sign that said, "Abortion Hurts Women." It so frustrating to be trying so hard to make another child with my husband and know that women are going into this clinic all day long to kill the child they have conceived. It really angers me. We would love nothing more than to be expecting another child, and don't even care if it's a boy or girl. But these people are going in there and ending these young babies lives. Also, why is it that the Pro-Choice people that drove by swore at us or made obscene gestures at us? We had very young children there showing their support of all unborn children and you need to yell obscenities in their direction? We were not holding grotesque signs. We were not calling anyone names. We were not using foul, obscene, or derogatory language. I mean disagree with us, that's fine. Give us a thumbs down. Say "boo!" or "No!" or something else to get your point across in a less obscene way. Why is it that the group of Pro-Lifers I stood with was able to get their point across in a calm, unoffensive way, but the Pro-Choice people who disagreed with us couldn't show any of the same rationale? I know not all Pro-Choice people get their point across that way, but for those who do, it's pretty immature and inappropriate.

Monday, October 18, 2010

CD4 of C3

So, since I have no idea when I should expect the next AF, as soon as AF is over I am going to treat this whole month as if I'm ovulating. I am a little scared that DH will be gone during actual ovulation since he is going out of town twice over the next few weeks. But, we'll see what happens.

Here are my goals for this third cycle:

  • Less caffeine
  • Less alcohol
  • Continue to drink between 2 and 3 liters of water everyday
  • Walk at least one mile at least 3 times a week
  • Drink at least one cup of green tea everyday to help CM
  • Play my video games to help alleviate stress and not obsess over TTC
So, that's the plan. We'll see if it'll help. Either way I don't think it'll hurt our odds.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

CD2 of C3

Well, this title should say it all. Here we go on C3.

I began bleeding early yesterday. I couldn't get on earlier and update though. Hoping we catch the egg this third cycle.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little disappointed. I had a little cry, and hopefully got it out of my system. I could be wrong, but I even think DH seemed a little disappointed too.

But they always say, "third time's a charm." So, we'll see.

I will update that ticker at the top of the screen over the weekend so that it is a little more accurate. Thanks for everyone who was keeping tabs on me this cycle. Hoping for a BFP sometime in November.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

CD36 of C2

So, I had a little spot of brown CM when I went to the bathroom earlier this morning. I haven't had anymore since, but I have been having strong AF like cramps all day. I'm pretty sure AF is starting, but I guess I won't count this cycle as over until I get some more spotting and/or bleeding.

I'm really weepy today. I'm sure it's mainly because I am feeling certain that this cycle is coming to an unsuccessful end. I'll try and update you all sometime tomorrow night.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

CD35 of C2

Boy oh boy. Nothing yet. Had some AF cramps this morning and a few this evening. Lots of EWCM today too. But, no spotting. Still running a low grade fever too. I've been pretty moody lately as well.

I had a 36 day cycle a couple months back, so maybe tomorrow with be the day for AF. Thanks for everyone checking up on me, I can tell by the number of hits that there are a few of you on just as many pins and needles as I am. I'm glad I'm not alone. :)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

CD34 of C2

My cramps started coming back yesterday afternoon. They are still in full swing this morning. I really think AF will start anytime. I wish it would, I hate this feeling like I could be pregnant one minute and then the next feeling like I'm going to start AF. My 2ww is turning into a 3ww. Also, more than likely even if I start AF today, my DH will probably be out of town for my next ovulation. I'm getting a little frustrated.

Monday, October 11, 2010

CD33 of C2

Still no AF. I haven't had any spotting either. My CM keeps bouncing between EWCM to dry (none at all). I'm not sure what's going on. I haven't had cramps in a while. I'm still running a low grade temp in the afternoon/evening. I'm trying so hard not to be too excited, but it's getting harder.

If AF is still not here and I'm not spotting by Saturday I will probably take a test. That will be CD38 which is when I got my BFP with Joseph.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Preg Vs. Not-Preg Debate (CD31 of C2)

First of all until the new cycle starts please ignore my cycle ticker near the top of the page. I can't really change it until I know when my next cycle will start. So, once that happens I'll change it and it'll be closer to accurate.

So, I thought I would make a some bullet points listing why I think I might be/why I think I'm not pregnant.

For the pessimist in me I'll list the reasons I think I'm not first.

Not Pregnant:
  • I feel like AF is coming.
  • I've felt "out" this entire month.
  • My mid-cycle cold probably affected timing and quality of ovulation.
  • This is only the 2nd cycle ttc and since it took so long with Joseph I can't imagine it happening it so quickly.
And then for the sliver of optimism than remains in me, here are the reasons why I think it might be possible.

  • Had a long period of EWCM and creamy CM.
  • Fatigued.
  • I've begun having the "always" hungry feeling I had with Joseph. I just can't seem to eat enough, and even if I manage to get "full" I'm very hungry very soon after.
  • Dogs and cats have been very clingy towards me. I'm not sure if it's the smell of the extra hormones or what, but I had this issue when carrying Joseph.
  • AF like cramps with no spotting. This has been one of my symptoms with pregnancy before.
  • Low grade temperature in the evening. I have to be pretty under the weather to run a temp, but I did run one in the early stages of pregnancy with Joseph, and I have been running one the last three days of this cycle.
  • AF cramps came on heavy and strong and now have subsided completely.
  • Stretchy/Pulling feeling between pelvic bones.
  • Since just a few days after ovulation I have developed very pronounced veins across chest and BBs, and they have gotten more numerous and darker as the cycle has progressed.
  • Moody.
  • Thirsty.
  • I am completely convinced that I am not pregnant like I was with Joseph.
So, there ya go. Only time will tell.

Still haven't had anymore AF cramps today. My increase in CM seemed to dry up yesterday and is still dry today. This could be impending AF though.

Friday, October 8, 2010

CD30 of C2

As you've noticed, I've gone back to counting CD instead of DPO. I think my ovulation date is off, because I am pretty sure I would have started AF by now if I ovulated when I think I did.

I think my cramps have finally stopped. Of course now that I'm writing this I'm sure they'll start back up again. No spotting. No real sign of impending AF. My BBs feel normal. I'm not sure what my body is doing. I just wish I knew for sure what was going on. If this cycle goes much longer October will be a bust month as well since DH will be out of town for part of it.

I've been really crabby, really hungry, and really sleepy. But, I could be imagining these symptoms because I want to be pregnant. We'll see what today brings, and perhaps I'll have an idea of what's going on by the end of this weekend.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

15DPO of C2

No AF yet. Not even any spotting. Since I had Joseph usually before AF really starts I spot for 1-2 days.

So, at this point I'm cautiously optimistic. I've had longer cycles than this, so it could be I'm just having a longer cycle. But I've been really feeling AF like cramps for a few days and still no sign of any bleeding.

My EWCM has changed over to creamy CM which can be a very early sign of pregnancy. Again, I'm cautiously optimistic. We will be going to some parties over the weekend so I'm wondering if I should test to be sure I'm not pregnant since I'm sure there will be opportunities to drink.

I'm on the fence about this. I'm still very crampy. I am also very exhausted. Yesterday and the day before I took 4 hour naps. I guess we'll see what the rest of today brings.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

13DPO of C2

Well, if my cycle is going to be as long as the one last month, I should start AF today. I feel like I will. My cramps have not let up, my BBs are puffy, I'm moody and weepy, and my back aches. All classic signs that AF is on the way. I'd like it to just start so we can start a new, hopefully successful cycle. I'm also very exhausted but I think it has to do with putting up with these painful cramps for the last few days.

If this new cycle doesn't start soon then DH will be gone during my ovulation and fertile time. I would really hate for that to happen. So, come on AF, let's get this show on the road.

I've still been having an increase in CM. This makes me a little bit optimistic for the next cycle, I think if I can keep up this CM then the chances of October being successful are great. The better and more CM there is the longer the sperm can survive. Without good CM sperm can only live a couple of hours, with good CM sperm can live for up to a week.

So, I guess it's just a waiting game now. I'll be sure to post when I start C3.

Monday, October 4, 2010

12DPO of C2

Boy oh boy. Let me just say that I, as I'm sure all women do, hate cramps. What I hate even more is having to suffer through them before AF even comes. So, I get to have killer cramps that make me feel like crap now, and then in a day or two when AF really starts? Really? Fantastic.

My cramps were so bad last night that they kept waking me up. So, then of course this morning I'm exhausted and crabby because I didn't sleep well. I'm still having them this morning. Which is making me an even bigger crank-o-saurus.

I'm a reasonable person and I understand that cramps are just part of a normal menstrual cycle. I just can't stand having to deal with them so severely now and I'm sure just as severely when I finally start bleeding.

Ya know, as if it isn't frustrating enough to have not conceived this month, so these cramps are just like salt in the wound. Then my poor husband came home last night after being gone for three days and I didn't even have the energy from these stupid cramps to stay up with him or spend time with him until he went to bed. Blah.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

11DPO of C2

I know I've already said that I feel that this cycle isn't the one for us, but I got some more confirmation today. Most of my morning was spent having major AF like cramps. Exactly like the ones I have right before AF begins. So, I'm sure in a couple days or two "she" will be here.

I know I've been pessimistic about this cycle, but I can't help but feel a little sad about it. I'd love to be proved wrong and to have conceived this cycle even though I'm so certain we haven't.

It never fails to be disappointing to spend so much time trying, hoping, and waiting just to have it not work out the way you'd hoped it would. But, life goes on.

I'll be sure to update with any changes or when I start a new cycle.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

10DPO of C2

Isn't it amazing how TTC can make the most sane, sensible person become a total hypochondriac? Every little bubble, every little twinge, every little uncomfortable sensation gets stored in my brain as a possible early pregnancy symptom. Women nowadays know so soon after conception. Several HPTs (home pregnancy test) boast that they can detect pregnancy up to 6 days before a missed period. I wonder how did women a century or two ago deal with this waiting period? I can't even imagine having to wait months to find out if I'd been successful at conceiving a child.

But anyways, here we are, almost to the end of C2. If conception happened the baby should be implanted in my uterine wall by now. Since my cycles are completely erratic lately I'm not really sure when I should be seeing AF. I'm guessing some time around 14-15DPO. But, let's be honest, it wouldn't be the first time that I've been off.

Technically I could get one of the early HPTs. I don't really want to spend the money on those extremely expensive tests. Plus, I'm fairly certain that I really am not pregnant (even though the less sane part of my brain - the hypochondriac side - keeps convincing me I am). I really just don't want to test and see a BFN. I've been emotionally unstable the last few days and I think seeing a BFN would just about send me over the edge. I'd rather just wait for the ugly AF.

I've been having some left sided ovary pain again today. I'm not sure what that means. It was uncomfortable enough to make me want to lay down and rest. I really hate PCOS. My body probably has decided to grow more cysts.

This evening I had some discomfort in my hips and what felt like some pulling of ligaments. This should be an early sign, but I'm pretty sure I had this same symptom last month at about the same point in my cycle. Probably just AF gearing up.

My husband said something about maybe I was pregnant earlier today. I was freaking out over the odor from the garbage. I hope I am, but I'm so sure I'm not.

I've still been having some increase in CM which is not normal for me, but it's probably because I'm not dehydrating myself anymore. I'm doing so-so with the water drinking. I could do better, but I just get so tired of drinking it, all day long.

I bought some green tea to try out for next cycle. It's not my favorite tea, but it's all for a good cause, right?

I linked up the website I mentioned with the 2WW symptoms. It's on the right side of the blog. Make sure you checkout just how big of a crazy person I am.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

6DPO of C2

I thought I would post a little update. Not too much has been happening. Also, keep in mind that any DPOs are only guesstimations since I'm not using OPKs or temping. If conception happened implantation should take place over the next few days.

I've had a little bit of cramping, but nothing too drastic. I also haven't felt what I believed to be cyst pain in a couple of days, so hopefully my body absorbed whatever it was.

I hate to symptom spot (SS) but it's inevitable during the TWW. My BBs (breasts) have been a little puffy but I think that's a normal O symptom for me. I've had a minor increase in CM as well, but I'm just taking that as my body getting back to normal since I'm drinking more water. I've been fatigued today and yesterday, but it's probably due to me just getting over this cold. I've also found a website that allows me to input all of my symptoms day by day during the tww and then it compares my symptoms to the cycles of women who conceived and tells you the percentage of women who have the certain symptoms you have on the DPO you are. It's kind of interesting to look at other women's symptoms and compare it to your cycle. There should be a way for me to post a link on here to my profile on there. When I figure it out I'll put it on here some where.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

CD17 of C2

Let me tell you a little story. Back on December 17, 2007 I went to the ER with severe abdominal pains on my left side. I was pretty certain that I had a cyst (I had a very large ovarian cyst removed more than a year prior to this). I was most concerned because the one I had surgically removed was so large, I was told at the time it was removed that had it ruptured or continued to grow at the rate it was the results could have been fatal because it was so entangled in the ovarian blood supply. So, when I had this pain, I was anxious to get it checked out. It was the same side as the surgery and I didn't want anything bad to happen if I ignored it. That day they did a pregnancy test. Probably to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. It came back negative, but I knew it would. My period had started only 14 days before that, so being only 14 days into my cycle I knew I was not pregnant. After some scans and further tests they were able to diagnose me with a ruptured ovarian cyst. I was given pain medication and discharged. I really believed that month of ttc was out based on everything that had happened in the ovarian region. Little did I know that I would be getting my BFP on CD 38 just 24 days later. When I went in for my first OB appointment my doctor had pulled up the tests from December, and he was pretty confident that when I had went to the ER I had either just Oed or was about to.

So, anytime I have bad pain around ovulation I get a little excited because I know that's exactly how things happened while ttc Joseph. I think my ovulating is painful because of the PCOS. Regardless, I have been having some deep, very strong pains on the left side over the last couple of days. Either I have another cyst, or I guess just really painful egg release. I'm not extremely optimistic about this cycle, but what's going on has given me a little nudge in the optimistic direction.

I'm still feeling pretty crummy from this summer cold or whatever it is I have. Haven't had anymore EWCM or anything else really symptomatic. I've been extremely thirsty yesterday and today (which was the first oddity I experienced in my cycle of conceiving Joseph) but I think it has more to do with how much congestion I have (and the scratchy throat the congestion is causing).

Here are some interesting statistics:

  • Only 25% of couples with get pregnant during their first cycle of trying.
  • 50% of couples conceive within 4 months of ttc.
  • 85-90% of couples will get pregnant within 12 months of ttc.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

CD 15 of C2

Very excited because yesterday I started having the EWCM (egg white cervical mucous) that generally happens at O. This is the CM that I haven't had or seem to detect the last few cycles. This is good news. I think my increase in water has helped this to happen. Based on CM and ovarian twinges I believe I Oed late yesterday or early today. Of course without temping/charting or OPKs I cannot be 100% certain, but I'm pretty confident. These means theoretically if conception did not happen AF should begin in 14 days (most women begin AF 14 days after O). This also means we have entered the 2WW. At this point there isn't much to do but sit back and wait and basically become neurotic about every little pang and twinge that happens in my body. Not that I will be doing this intentionally, but it's always hard not to.

I'm not feeling well currently either. These weather changes (from hot to cold and back to hot) are causing head colds or something similar. I had one about a month ago and began having another one yesterday. This one has made me feel crummier than the other. I'm actually running a low grade temp with this one too. We had to leave a friend's house earlier than planned tonight because I was feeling so under the weather. I also had to break down and take some medicine for some relief. I don't like taking medicine especially when TTC because I worry about the affects on conception and also on any baby that may of been created. So, when we are TTC I try to only take medications that are safe for pregnancy just to give me peace of mind, but I still don't like taking them. So, I took some benedryl and some tylenol and although I don't feel incredibly better, I do have a little relief.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

CD14 of C2

Still have a few left-sided ovary twinges. They aren't as strong as they have been, so I'm guessing either I O'ed yesterday or will sometime today. It will be hard to pin point it exactly without temping or OPKs.

I've been working on drinking more water. Experts say that can help with proper CM production. Some of you who haven't done much research into ttc may think I'm crazy to keep worrying about CM. But, without a proper amount of CM sperm cannot live for more than a couple of hours. When CM conditions are right sperm can live for 2-5 days, and there have also been documented cases of sperm fertilizing an egg 8 days after bding. The longer the sperm live, the more likelihood of them waiting right at the spot where the egg is released.

So, anyways, I've been drinking more water. Not just for ttc, but to also be healthier. Plus, it'll be good to be in the habit of drinking the correct amount of water for when I do become pregnant, and then afterward for nursing. There's a difference in opinion between experts as to what is the proper amount of water intake during pregnancy, and for post-pregnancy lactation. The consensus seem to be somewhere between 2 and 3 liters per day. So, my personal minimum is 2 liters (which is about almost 68 ounces), but eventually I would like to get to about 2 1/2 liters a day (at least while ttc, pregnant, or lactating) which is about 85 ounces or so. I've done well this week with my 2 liter goal. I'm hoping I can keep it up. I definitely did not drink enough water when I was pregnant with Joseph or while I was trying to nurse afterward. I'll keep you all updated on my water intake goal.

I have a little bit of a sore throat right now too. I think it's because the weather keeps going from hot to cold then to hot and back to cold. It's probably just something to do with allergies.

So, it's just about time to begin the 2ww. This is the toughest time for those ttc. I constantly wonder if things were right for conception, and if every little twinge my body has is somehow related to pregnancy. As I stated before, I just don't think this is the month. I wouldn't mind being proven wrong though.

Monday, September 20, 2010

CD12 of C2

Not too much happening right now. I feel like I have most of my pre-ovulation symptoms right now. Moods seem to have leveled off. Having frequent twinges in my left ovary and some AF like cramps. My breasts are also a little puffy which is normal for just before ovulation for me. No increase in CM though. The next time I go to the store I am going to pick up some green tea. Green tea is supposed to be really good at increasing CM. I expect to be O'ing sometime over the next day or two.

I also did a google search last night to see if I was the only crazy woman out there blogging about ttc. I am not. In fact my blog is quite tame in comparison to some of the others. I found one that had pictures of cervixes (I'm not sure if that's the correct plural use of the word). Don't worry, you will not be seeing pics of my cervix on here. I am also not a cervix position checker. I guess there is a way to check your cervix's position and consistency that will alert you to impending O'ing and AF. I am not one of those chicks. I know that knowledge has lead a lot of women to their BFPs but that part is just not for me.

Friday, September 17, 2010

CD9 of C2

I've been having what feel like AF cramps off and on today.

I also have been extremely moody. I spent last night being very grumpy, and although most of today has been okay, I'm back to being very moody right now. I'm just extremely irritable and emotional. Hopefully this instability in my hormones means something is getting ready to happen in my ovaries. I mean other than another cyst.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

CD8 of C2

I will be using C in reference to what cycle I am on. So C2 = Cycle 2. CD means cycle day. So, CD8 means I am 8 days into my cycle. Also, CM = cervical mucous.

I am counting from when I first began spotting at the end of my last cycle. I'm not really sure if I should be counting from full blown AF or from the 2 days before it really start. So, I'm going to count bleeding (regardless of how minimal) as a new cycle in this case.

So, anyways, here I am CD8. I have to be honest, I'm not sure why, but I don't feel like this is "THE" cycle. I probably just have some leftover pessimism from the end of C1. Maybe I'm wrong. I was never more convinced that I was NOT pregnant than when I was actually pregnant with Joseph.

Nothing out of the norm so far though. Felt a few twinges in my right ovary today. Gearing up for ovulation perhaps. We'll see.

One of the ways I've always known about the time I ovulated was due to an increase in CM. I, however, haven't had an increase in CM the last few cycles. I hope this doesn't negatively impact things. There are certain foods that will supposedly naturally increase CM. So, if it's an issue this cycle I may try some of those.

I've fallen off the eating good wagon. I've gained back 4lbs of the 20lbs I lost. So, I'm trying to get back on the wagon this week. It would be so much easier if the foods that we bad for me didn't taste so darn good.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Wishy Washy

So, part of the reason for this blog is an outlet for my feelings and stress. But, I also wanted this to be a place where other women who are TTC can come and know that they aren't alone in their journey. I originally left this blog open to the public for that reason, then I blocked except for people I could allow access, but I'm back to having it open. I've posted this blog on a few ttc sites that I frequent and there's no way for those women to view it without me adding them. I'm going to leave this public so those women especially can visit this.

So, this will be the last warning about this blog. It will more than likely contain some gross details that will be tmi for most of you. Those interested are more than welcome to follow our journey. Again, I will continue to blog on Grumpy Bear Lair and this blog will be completely devoted to the process of becoming pregnant. If and when we get pregnant and make an announcement I will post it on both blogs, so don't think if you don't follow this you won't know when it happens.

Thanks everyone for being interested in our journey of growing our family.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Cycle #2

Well, my wishful thinking didn't pan out. The spotting I was experiencing was indeed AF starting. That's okay though. It's a new cycle. A new chance.

I thought of some more acronyms you make see me use on here:

BFP - Big fat positive
BFN - Big fat negative

The above are in reference to pregnancy tests. For example, someone who is ttc may say, "I'm hoping for a BFP." In which they mean that they are hoping for a positive pregnancy test.

But anyways, here we are at the beginning of a new cycle. I'm a little unsure of why my last cycle was so much shorter than previous ones. In fact, I don't think I've had a cycle that short since I was on the BCP. I hope my luteal phase is still long enough for implantation. Especially since I think I Oed (ovulated) on cycle day 20 - that would mean only a 7 day LP (luteal phase) before I began bleeding. From what I've read that isn't quite long enough. But, who knows, maybe my body is still adjusting from the surgery in July.

It seems whenever I have baby fever, everyone is getting pregnant. I know two people who just gave birth, and another two people have just announced that they're pregnant. I've honestly lost count of how many people I know that are expecting. I pray that all of them have happy, healthy pregnancies. I look forward to joining the 'bump' club though.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of TTC

I probably will be using some acronyms that many of you are unaware of. So, let me start by trying to explain some of them. Any ones other than these that I use later on I will try and explain as I go. If I forget to explain one, just let me know and I'll inform everyone of its meaning.

TTC - trying to conceive

AF - Aunt Flo (menstruation)

2WW - Two week wait (the period of time between ovulation and AF)

PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (a condition that causes multiple cysts to form on the ovaries - I suffer from this condition. It affects fertility.)

BD - Baby Dance (I'm sure ya'll can figure this one out without any help from me)

There's a few, I'll add more as I use them or remember them. So, just a little bit of info about me. I do, as I stated suffer from PCOS. I was told that my fertility was very good because it only took a year to conceive Joseph and we didn't have to use any sort of medical intervention. PCOS can really screw with the ovulation and also can affect the quality of the eggs that are released. I have had a total of 3 miscarriages. Two of which took place prior to my pregnancy with Joseph and were complete miscarriages (meaning I didn't have to have any sort of medical intervention for them). My third miscarriage happened July of 2009, and was incomplete. Because the miscarriage was incomplete I developed a raging infection, for which I had to be hospitalized. The doctor finally performed a D&C and I recovered quickly after the surgery.

Also due to my PCOS I had a tennis ball sized cyst removed from my left ovary in February of 2006. Because the cyst was so large and had so much of it self wrapped around my ovary, I did have to have 1/2 of that ovary removed. So, I technically only have 1 1/2 ovaries. I am told that the 1/2 of the ovary is still functional. Initially the doctor wanted to remove the whole left ovary, but I fought to keep it. In the end we were able to save part of it.

When we do again conceive I will switch any pregnancy blogging over to my regular Grumpybearlair blog site. This is just a little place for me to write about what's going on in my body and my mind concerning ttc.

Doctors say stress can really affect the ability to conceive, so if I'm able to write about my feelings that will alleviate the internalization of what's going on. If I get it out, I'll feel better, and hopefully alleviate any extra stress, therefore making my body more hospitable for pregnancy.

I'm more optimistic about conceiving this time around because I think one of things that really affected conceiving with Joseph was my long usage of bcp (birth control pills). So, since I don't have that working against me, I think it may be easier this time. We stopped the bcp before my cyst in 2006, because we didn't like the side affects of the pill and found some unsettling information out about it. But, because of my ovarian surgery the doctor insisted I go back on it for a year. Because the 1/2 ovary was so traumatized he was worried that if my body tried to ovulate from that ovary it was cause it to fail and possibly die or become completely inactive. So, since I don't have that against me, I'm hoping it will be easier. We shall see.

I will not be using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) or temping to predict ovulation. I would like to give us a full year of trying before introducing the methods that make BDing less fun and spontaneous. If after a year we have not conceived then we will go that route. My plan is to just live as healthily as possible by exercising, eating well, and taking my prenatal vitamins. I also plan on trying to find outlets for stressful situations (such as blogging) to help in that area. It will happen in God's timing.

Like I stated in my side note, this blog could have a little bit tmi (too much information). I will be talking mostly about my cycle and my symptoms (some of which will probably be gross to those who have not ttc). Actually I'm sure most of my posts will be about my symptoms. It's amazing when you are ttc everything seems like a possible symptom of pregnancy.

I also wanted to write this blog for all those other women out there who are ttc and feel all alone. Not everyone gets pregnant with one time of BDing. Not everyone gets pregnant their first cycle. This is for all the women who actually have to put some effort into it and stick with it. The good news is that 85% of couples will get pregnant within one year of trying.

So, welcome to my journey.

Currently my cycles have been approximately 35 days. I say approximately because when you have PCOS there is never a complete consistency to them. My last 4 cycles have ranged in length from about 34 - 36 days.

This is our first cycle ttc baby number two. I am currently on cycle day 29. I have been experiencing spotting since day 27. I initially hoped it was implantation bleeding (which is supposed to take place between 6-10 DPO {days post ovulation} ) Based on ovulation symptoms I estimate I ovulated around cycle day 20. So, the dates lined up. I didn't experience implantation bleeding with Joseph, but they say only 20% of women will experience it. However, since the spotting hasn't stopped, I am beginning to think that AF is coming and that this cycle is over. I won't give up hope until AF really starts, but it's not looking good.

It's disappointing. I didn't really expect for it to happen the first cycle, but it still is disappointing. I think the number is like 30% of women get pregnant their first cycle. So, the odds aren't with us. We'll get there though.