Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CD1 of NTC1

I cannot believe how long that last cycle was. I hope this isn't a permanent change.

This cycle is NTC1 (not trying cycle). This is a 'not trying' cycle since my husband will be absent. He leaves on Sunday and will not be home until mid April.

I look forward to being able to start trying again, but this absence will give me a chance to focus on other things.

I am really sad, however, that we weren't able to make a baby this last cycle.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

CD40 of C4 (part 2)

I am having some major cramps right now. Perhaps this is the start of AF? Btw, just ignore the cycle ticker at the top. I can't really change it until AF finally gets here. Maybe AF will be here by tomorrow.

CD40 of C4

Still in limbo. I wish I knew either way what was going on inside my body. It's so frustrating.

My hormones are all over the place and have been for about a week now. I hate this instability with my feelings and emotions.

I can't believe I'm on day 40 of what seems like the world's longest cycle. I don't feel like AF is coming.

Now, back to waiting and wondering..

Saturday, December 25, 2010

CD39 of C4

Still waiting for AF to arrive. I know there's a chance that the tests were just too early to pick up HCG, but I'm not so optimistic. I guess we'll wait and see. I haven't had a cycle this long since we were trying for our son. So it's been well over 3 years. Maybe my body is just changing.

I have to go to the doctor for a re-check of the pneumonia in about 2 1/2 weeks, so if I haven't started by then I will talk to him about it.

Hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

CD37 of C4

So, I wound up in the ER last night. I was having some severe left sided abdominal pain. My intial fear was that it was my PCOS acting up (and growing a huge cyst again) or a tubal pregnancy.

When I got there they started me on some pain and nausea medicine. I had been running a fever since the night before and had been having some bad back pain since the night before. They did a blood HCG test (I don't know if it was quanitative or qualitative) but it came back negative. That pretty much dashed my hopes of this being a successful cycle.

Anyways, they did the pregnancy test so I could go for a CT scan. The doctor thought perhaps I had diverticulitis. But to both of our surprises it showed that I have pneumonia in my left lung in the bottom. He said it made sense since my pain was on the left side that it was rebound pain from the inflamed and infected lung pressing down. He also said it made sense why I was running a temp and having back pain.

So, to say it's been a rough day would be an understatement. I was holding out some hope that I would get a BFP tomorrow. Now I know that isn't going to happen.

I will post periodically, but we won't officially begin ttc until my DH's return in April. Your continued thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Now, I guess my only wish is that my AF will hold off until after Christmas. It would be nice to be cramp free until after then.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Cd36 of C4

I am feeling less hopeful and optimistic today. I am having pretty strong AF like cramps right now, and I will be surprised if I don't start tonight or tomorrow.

I broke down and took a digital test today. I didn't realize until after I took it that it wasn't an early HPT. My hormones were very low with Joseph and it's likely they will be low with any future children (my mother had the same problem with HPTs, she couldn't get a BFP with me until she was well into her 2nd trimester). So, of course it was negative. I guess I wouldn't let than alone count me out, but that combined with these cramps makes me feel like this cycle is just about over.

I will have to remember to get an early HPT next time with a HCG threshold of 25 or less instead of this 50 miu I have. Oh well. We'll wait and see. I guess if AF isn't here by Friday AM I will try and test again, but I'm not expecting anything different from what I saw today.

On a side note: I have several friends who have recently given birth, and it is very difficult for me to look at their children's pictures with becoming teary eyed and disapointed. I want to be happy for them, but it's so hard to see pictures of what I want so much.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

CD35 of C4

Every time I feel a little trickle and run to the bathroom expecting AF to have started, there is nothing there. I am so happy.

I am having a few light AF like cramps, but I'm not letting this discourage me.

If I make it through Thursday afternoon without AF showing up, I will go and buy a test to use Friday morning. I can't buy a test before then because I will use it as soon as I get it home.

I really, really hope this is it, and we were able to make a baby. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted.

Also, some food for thought:

Length of cycles (since we've been ttc baby #2)
C1 - 30 days
C2 - 36 days
C3 - 34 days

We are on CD 35 now, I just have this feeling if I can make it past tomorrow it will seem so much more real. It will either be a pregnancy or my longest cycle yet.

Monday, December 20, 2010

CD34 of C4

I thought I'd update since I know some of you who are checking daily for updates can't stand the suspense. I can't either. Here is CD34. If I'm right, my cycle last month was 33 days. I'd have to go back and check to be sure.

I'm having symptoms that could be either AF or early pregnancy. So, I'm trying hard not to read into all of them but it's hard. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am very hopeful and optimistic. I just hope that I'm not let down this month. This would be the most amazing Christmas gift.

I will be testing on Friday which is CD38. It's conveniently Christmas Eve as well so that means we'd be able to tell the family Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It would work out wonderfully. But, like I said I can barely stand the suspense.

I'm hoping my next update to you all will be a big pic of a BFP and some great news, but we'll have to wait and see. I'm not sure if I'll be back on here before the weekend, so if I'm not, have a Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

CD28 of C4

I woke with a queasy tummy this morning. I honestly don't think I've ever been so excited to have a upset tummy. I really hope this means something. Please, please please!!

I know this will sound silly. And I know I've said it before, but.. Part of me feels like maybe, just maybe, I could be pregnant this time. It might be because this was my last true chance until the Spring, but I am feeling very optimistic. Of course I'm going to be wrecked if AF comes. But right now I'm on cloud 9 with just the feeling of maybe it could be true.

I would like to wait until day 38 to test. We'll see if I make it.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

CD21 of C4

I am feeling very defeated right now. I've been taking these darn OPKs so that I could see a surge, get a positive, and put my mind at ease. I got very close to a positive on Sunday, and then on Monday my line was lighter and then today there is no line. Does that mean I did or didn't ovulate? I don't know what it means. I think it means I didn't ovulate though. And that makes me very, very sad.

I will not be able to get pregnant if my body is not ovulating. I just don't understand why people who can't afford, are addicted to drugs, are teenagers, or shouldn't be having children can get pregnant with no effort. Here we are a stable, loving, adjusted family able to care for another child and we can't get pregnant.

I'm sad. I'm alone. And I'm feeling defeated.

Monday, December 6, 2010

CD20 of C4

I think I'm getting closer to getting a positive on my OPKs. My lines are getting a little bit darker and more prevalent. Oh how I wish the lines on my OPKs were BFPs on HPTs! One day, soon. It'll happen!

I had to go to the thrift store this evening so I thought I would check out the maternity section. I was able to pick up a pair of dressy maternity pants that were brand new! I will wash them anyway and put them away until the day that I have a little one in my womb again and can fill them up with a big belly.

I think I am at as much peace about this situation as is possible. I want another child now. But, I know it will happen when it's supposed to. Do I sometimes wish I was one of those people that just had to count the days, have sex once, and boom, would be pregnant? Of course. But, I know that I appreciate my pregnancy a bit more than someone who doesn't have trouble conceiving. I know my body is working on an extra special egg, and just like with Joseph, when it's time for us to conceive another child, it'll happen. Until then I'll be enjoying the blessing God has already given us. I know the next pregnancy is just waiting for us beyond the horizon. We'll get there.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

CD18 of C4

So that's it. We've done everything we can for this cycle. My DH left last night for two weeks. He'll be gone for two weeks and then home for two and then gone for 4 1/2 months.

I have yet to get an even "almost" positive on the OPKs. I will still keep testing through this cycle to see if I can a detectable LH surge or not. I will just have to hope that those little swimmers will find the egg in time. If not, we will have to wait until my husband is done with training in April. I'm slightly optimistic that we have a chance. This is dangerous, because I know I will be wrecked when AF comes.

My DH is really on board with this TTC number two. It's exciting to see. Here's some examples of his excitement and his shared desire to make baby number two:

He has shown a lot of interest in the OPKs. He has been asking questions about them and likes to look at the results after I've taken the test. In fact I ran out of OPKs yesterday and he offered and was willing to go purchase more for our endeavor.

He also has been asking a lot of questions about my cycle and how things are going/where I'm at in it. I appreciate and love him caring about this too. It's nice to know he's excited about this and looking forward to our next bundle too.

And when we were talking about this baby making process and trying to expand our family he brought up the point that he wouldn't be opposed to three children. My DH has been pretty stiff on the idea of three little ones, but I've always leaned a little bit towards wanting three. He said "I wouldn't mind three, but we've got to get to two first."

It's so nice to know he's as committed to this as I am. It's so nice to know we share the hope and excitement each cycle of adding to our family. I love him so much and I am so glad he is my mate and the father of my child and someday children.