Tuesday, April 19, 2011

CD18 of NTNP1

It's been a while since I've updated. A lot has happened. Since my last blog entry I was hospitalized 3 times (infections, biliary duct blockages, internal bleeding, pancreatitis, liver problems and more nasty infections). My life for the moment was turned upside down. No one wants to be sick and in the hospital, especially when your husband is in the military and is away, and especially not if you already have a toddler who is essence will have to stay with someone else and be separated from not one but now both of his parents. The other big news is that my husband has returned from his active duty training.

I've received conflicting information from different doctors about our attempts to have another child. Based on all my hospitalizations I've had a doctor tell me to wait a couple cycles to ttc, just until I've feeling in tip top shape and out of the woods. Then I've had a couple other doctors that said there is no need to wait whatsoever, and no reason why I shouldn't be able to conceive a healthy, successful pregnancy right now. I'm divided, so therefore I am calling this cycle NTNP. For any of you who know the terminology you know what that means. For those of you who don't it's basically "not trying - not protecting." Which in essence is trying but not so hardcore, I guess. I'm not obsessing about dates, laying on my back for a certain number of minutes afterwards, positions, and CM. If it happens right now it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I am hoping in a cycle or two I will feel the urge to step it up to hardcore ttc again, but right now, this is fine for me.

I spent a lot of time reflecting during my hospitalizations and recovery times. Do I want to do this to another child? Would I be aable to find another person to keep two of my children if I were hospitalized again while my husband is gone for training or a tour (deployment)? What if my husband goes active duty and we move out of state, he deploys, and this happens? Also I've had some tests come back with abnormalities that have to be further pursued, and it could indicate the beginning of some major health issues for me. The idea of being in organ failure within 20 years was one of the possibilities laid upon the table during these illnesses. So I think, do I really want to bring another child into this world that is going to have an even shorter existence with their mother than even Joseph may have? I feel selfish putting another child through the 3 weeks of hospitalizations, procedures, surgery, medications that I just put Joseph through. I know he's young. I know he's resilent. But my poor little guy's world was turned pretty much upside down during this last month. I am terrified to death to put him or another child through that.

So here I am. Unsure. Uneasy. Uncomfortable with the possibilities that lay ahead of me. Who would have thought that the one thing I wanted most in this world (to be pregnant again, give birth again, expand our family) would become such a dilemna for me? I know the stronger my body feels the more I will probably lean towards really, really wanting another child. But for right now I'm just a little scared. I guess that's why I'm leaving it as NTNP, I guess I want God's help in the decision. Which I guess sounds even more selfish.

So anyway, that's my status, that's where I am. I am nervous right now about a lot of things in my life, and the decision to bring another child into this world is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm hoping to be feeling more confident by my next post.

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