This was posted on 7/20/11 (CD17 of C7). I'm not really sure why it's posting as Tuesday's date other than the fact that I began writing it yesterday and didn't finish it until today. I just didn't want there to be any confusion.
I'm sad. I'm discouraged. And I've lost my optimism for this cycle.
I am not really sure what happened. I just have this overwhelming sadness right now. I was thinking about the fact that I wish I knew if we did everything we could this cycle. And then I thought about the fact that even if we did everything right and got the timing just perfect it was no guarantee of a pregnancy. Then I began thinking that this is completely out of my control, which I already knew but apparently needed a reminder of.
I know it's out of my control. That's the frustrating part. I know whose hands the control lies. I know that there's nothing I can do to change the plans that He already has for our lives. And even though I know this I am still frustrated by the fact that we can BD every day of my cycle and not get pregnant and then hear about a teenager that has unprotected sex one time and gets pregnant.
I guess I needed this reminder that I'm not in control of this. No amount of OPKs, google searching, or BDing will change the fact that if it's not time for us to have another baby this month - it just isn't going to happen.
I spent a lot of time in prayer today about this. And I'm reminded that I'm being selfish. He's provided for all of our needs and most of our wants. But yet I seem to think this is out of His control. Not only that but there are people out there that are praying for food because they are hungry, or a shelter for their families because they are homeless and here I am obsessing about when I'm going to have another child.
It's so hard not to become self-absorbed and obsessed with this process when you've been at it for so long. I appreciate the perspective I received today and hope that it serves as a reminder the next time I begin to get too obsessed again. Because let's be honest, it'll happen again.
In the meantime, I've had cramps every day since CD1. I don't know if that's good or bad. I've decided that my reward when AF shows will just be a pedicure and I will save the manicure for September. That way I don't run out of pampering ideas too quickly. I will admit, I am looking forward to a pedicure.
Oh and I dreamt of breastfeeding the most beautiful newborn girl last night. Of course I may have had this dream because I have baby on the brain. I always like to look up the meaning of dreams when something is significantly different or off in them. This is what I find when I look up breastfeeding: Old dream interpretation books say that breastfeeding is a symbol of great things to come following an extended period of hard work.
I sure hope that is true, and I hope it means what I want it to mean.
I'm not feeling the best right now and hoping that laying down a little longer will help. I woke up feeling hot, headachey (is that a word?) and crampy.