If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. I hate hearing about unplanned, unwanted pregnancies.
I do not understand why it is so easy for those not wanting a child to become pregnant, and so challenging for those couples trying and trying and trying to become pregnant. It seems unfair and unjust. I don't get it. I don't.
As a Christian I pray that I have more peace over this. I pray that I don't become overwhelmed with jealousy and hatred for those people that bring children into this world in such an easy and irresponsible way. It's hard. It gets harder every month that passes and my womb remains empty.
I'm sure God is trying to teach me about patience. I'm sure He's trying to remind me that He is in control, and that His timing is perfect. But, it's hard to think all those things, especially when I see mother after mother not wanting or loving the child that has been placed in her womb.
I don't want to hear, just don't think about it. So please keep those comments to yourself. I don't want to hear it'll happen when it's supposed to. I know these things. And let me tell you they don't ease my pain or worry as a woman trying so hard to grow her family and month after month failing at it.
Perhaps that's why I've been absent more than necessary from this blog, from my other blog, and from my forums. I'm jealous, I'm worried, and I'm fearful. What if I don't carry another child in my womb?
As my 3 year old plays with my leg and my foot as I type this I'm reminded that it's selfish to be worried about that. Yes, I'm blessed. I have so much more than some women. I have a beautiful, healthy, vibrant, brilliant little boy. I am blessed. But, I know I could love another child as well and I want so much to have another one. Does that make me greedy? Yes, I guess it does.
As with most things you'd think in time it'd get easier. But, it's not the case for this. Each cycle that passes without success is a reminder that I've failed at this. It's a reminder that with each passing month that I grow older my chances of conceiving are diminshed a little more. Yes, I know I'm young. But I've read the studies that with each passing year your ferility decreases every so slightly.
So, yeah, I'm selfish and greedy. I'm jealous and frustrated. I'm nervous and scared and worried. I just want to be able to give my husband, my son, and myself a new family member. I want to feel a child within me. I want to bring that little one into this world. I want to nurse that baby. It's a primal, biological desire. It's getting stronger with each passing day.
God made us wait nearly a year for Joseph. Even though we began trying in August of 2010 we are technically only at 10 cycles (due to my husband's military absences). I know we still have time. But I'm impatient.
Please pray that God would bless us with another healthy child. Please pray for peace and patience and guidance for me.